Thanksgiving

It turned out to be soooo cold on Thanksgiving and I was pretty miserable about it.  I awoke with that ache in my arm pit and bicep again knowing that I could not take any Hydrocodone because I would be driving to see my husband's extended family and I was out of Tylenol.  There were carrots to cook, stuffing to prep, pineapple to chop, and both myself and Tristan to get ready.  My husband was offered a sweet deal if he would work on Thanksgiving and we needed the cash for Christmas so took it.  He told me that I didn't have to drive out to his grandmother's (about 30 minutes away in a little rural town). but this being Wayne's mom I knew it would please him in heaven to see me make the effort.   I also knew despite the general lack of "Traditional Thanksgiving" stuff that occurs at this family's events Tristan needs some sense of extended family.  I woke up kind of late for me and though there was still plenty of time to do the cooking, prepping, and getting ready, there was much less time available for waking up slowly over my coffee. I got a call about a hour before I was supposed to be there wondering if I was almost there, and informing me that everyone else was there and ready to eat.  I was a little frustrated and in a lot of pain.  Finally, I had the food, Tristan and I in the car.  I am panicking a little because I've only driven this route once and this house is in the sticks on an actual Dairy Farm.  It was my son who chilled me out by saying, "Mom! Please stop rushing us!  I apologized to him and agreed to let it go.  I got there only 5 minutes past the time it was supposed to start. and everyone was very done eating.  They said, "I guess you shouldn't have even brought anything."  Imagine silent screaming.  I did my best to be social despite constantly being questioned about why I was or was not eating a certain thing.  Truthfully, most of that food, I don't like.  There was not one green vegetable or non sugar coated veggie on the table.  And I wonder why my father-in-law never ate fruits or veggies.  I made it through the loud rough housing and the racial prejudices and headed home.  That evening I attempted to create a special Thanksgiving meal for my own family.  We sat at the table, enjoyed good healthy and less healthy food :), and talked the entire time about stuff we were thankful for, happy about, mad about, and wanted for ourselves. My family does Not have a problem communicating our feelings about anything!  I am quite proud of that.  I desperately want us to really know each other, and hopefully these habits will carry us through the years of "difficult" discussions and disagreements that will arise.  My husband became more and more somber and sad as the night went on which I took quite personally having worked sooooo hard to make everyone else happy that day.  He was missing his dad, his big family get together's on his mom's side of the family (that normally take place), and his grandmother.  His grandmother died this year and his dad died three years ago.  The holidays just seem lost to him.  The families used to gather together to see their mother(his grandmother) and now that she is gone they are choosing more to stay with their own families(children and grandchildren) and avoid the traveling.  I didn't know what to do to cheer him up and he was still moody when I woke up at 2:30am to go Black Friday shopping.  I love this man.  He loves me.  When either of us is out of sorts the other is as well.  We've always been that way.  We are as connected as two individuals can be.  Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Academically, etc.    He got better though and we had some good family time that afternoon and evening.  After our son was in bed I decided to take a bath due to some very sore breasts, arms, and underarms, in hopes of relaxing.  When I got out he had all the lights off in the living room except the Christmas lights on the garland resting on the mantle, a big candle, and a roaring fire.  He had made us some drinks and we settled in for duel foot massages and a movie.  I love my Man.

Drugs

Ok. I have to preface this post by stating how much I hate prescription medication in general.  I know that it all causes side effects, some seen, some unseen.  I pretty much avoid them at all costs.  However, I also know that medicine has it's purpose and place.  For most situations, I do not believe in life long prescriptions.  I know that most of those prescriptions would no longer be needed if the individual made a real long term commitment to nutrition and overall health.  I know this because I have seen countless numbers of individuals come off of their meds for high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes etc.
     I woke up yesterday in severe pain again in my arm pit radiating to my bicep and to my breast.  The pain had been so bad the night before I had not been able to sleep and laid in bed for hours hurting.  The Tylenol was not touching this pain at all.  At 8:09 a.m. I broke down and called the surgeons office for advice and to make sure this new pain location didn't signify something more serious.  They were not open yet so I left a message.  I took my last Tylenol around 10:30a.m.  still in agony.  Finally, I decided laying around hurting wasn't helping anything.  At 1:30, I finally called again.  I had to leave another message.  At 2:15 the surgeon's nurse returned my call.  She listened to about half of my description of the pain and the past few days before saying the Dr. wanted me to go ahead and get some pain pills.  No, solution.  No examination.  No comfort that this is ok, and it is safe to just ignore your body's screams and continue to pop pills for another week.  I told her that this breast pain is changing my life.  She was kind but ultimately offered me no comfort other than the kind that can come in the form of pain relief.  They called me in some Hydrocodone despite the fact that I had told them that med me feel like I was stoned and I thought I was allergic to it.  The pharmacist said that is a normal side effect.  Great....I get to be a stoned mamma who can't be driving but the pain will be better.  This is why I don't like meds.  It never just solves the problem, it always causes another as well.  So...I took the pills.  I felt so guilty about it.  Like I am cheating on my principles.  I knew that I had to have some relief if I was going to watch Tristan and have any kind of Thanksgiving.  I could have canceled the Holiday myself but my little boy needs some tradition and to see life going on as usual.  The pills make me feel like I have had several adult beverages minus the aphrodisiac and giggles.  I can't drive while taking them either so I am pretty limited if I want relief.  My husband is working all day Thanksgiving.  So....I  will do my best.

5 year olds!

While waiting...... I have hosted a number of long in house play dates for my 5 year old son and his friends.  Those tend to be quite distracting!  One Sunday afternoon I had two 5 year old boys and one 3 year old boy.  Another day I had  my son and a 9 year old neighbor for most of the day.  Today, I have my son and his dear friend Elise. She's also 5 years old, they were born the same week.  Her mom and I worked together at an Animal Hospital before they were born so we were pregnant at the same time.  We've done play dates with them since they were in our bellies.   Making Christmas cookies with 5 year old's is an all day affair.  It is also a HUGE mess.....but totally worth it!  We only have one child and know that it is important that he have lots of good friends in order to be well socialized.  I think we're doing pretty well so far :)

Stuff I know

I know that God has a plan for my life. Plans for a hope and a future!
I know that God has always been with me, even in my darkest moments, and He is with me now.
I know that the man I love will love me no matter what a pathologist says!
I know that God will not put more on my plate than I can manage through Him!
I know that my son loves me no matter what.
I know that who I am is not defined by my outward appearance. (This one I only know 50% of the time)
I know that I am loved by my family and friends who will continue to love me no matter the results.
I know that there is an Angel(my father-in law Wayne) with me and watching over me who has been through a battle far worse.
I know that I am strong, stubborn, and knowledgeable. 
I know my body better than anyone else!
I know that there are lessons to be learned through this journey and if I remain open to what God can teach me I WILL be "more" than I was when this all began.

The Constant Reminder

It's funny.  Just about the time I get engrossed in something immediate or distracted by a specific thing my constant reminder drags me back to fear.  My constant reminder is my pain.  I'll be having a great day, enjoying my son, and the beauty of life and all of the sudden the ache in my breast begins. In a few minutes the ache progresses into sharp pain and a fullness feeling causing pressure.  There are mornings that I have woken up with the pain and days that it does not show up until the end of the day.  This morning I woke up and did not feel the pain initially but after getting up and getting going it began.  Within about 10-15 minutes of being awake my armpit was aching terribly.  I told my husband I feel like I have done 50 butterfly"s on one arm.  It really hurts. After about 20-30 minutes that ache started spreading to my breast.  The outer left side.  Same side as calcifications, lump, and biopsy.  The sharp pain to the nipple and extreme pressure stayed away(Thank Goodness!) but the ache was intense.  The ache IS intense.  I took some more rapid release Tylenol and felt some relief soon but the worry.  The strong sense of my body is sending me signals that I can't read exactly is driving me crazy!  The not knowing is hard but is even harder with my constant reminder.  Every time I begin to focus on the now and forget it all for a moment, the pain returns to bring me back to reality.  The reality of not knowing.  The pain in the armpit concerns me because it has happened about a half dozen times since the biopsy but I had not noticed it prior to that at all.  I wondered if I should call the Dr. but I felt like they did not really take the pain conversations seriously thus far so why would this one be any different.  I know my surgery won't be moved up so I'll just wait and tell someone at the pre-op appointment on the 29th. I just hope... whatever they take out, whatever they figure out, it makes this reminder GO AWAY!

Stuff I've done while Waiting

1.Pray
2.Cry
3.Talk
4.Research (a Lot!)
5.Consult the Forums
6.Hug my son a little closer
7.Tear up while kissing my husband
8.Play computer games on the SuperHeroSquad(Marvelkids) website
9.Try Bok Choy(It is an anti-angiogenic food)
10.Fight with my sister
11.Contemplate Masectomy
12.Touch my breasts constantly
13.Feel like my sexuality is gone.  Feel diseased.
14.Dress like Iron Girl for Halloween
15. Put up Halloween, Put out Christmas
16.Run harder and longer than I ever have before!
17.Receive kindness from the most unsuspecting places.
18.Write and Write and Write
19.Appreciate my body.
20. Worry people think I am trying to get attention when I'm trying to cope.

Fear and Pain

About a week after seeing the surgeon I began experiencing severe pain and pressure in the same area on my left breast.  The bruising was gone and I was almost 3 weeks post biopsy but the pain was almost unbearable.  The first few days I decided that it was due to PMS.  So, I did a little research and most hormone associated breast pain is supposed to subside a few days into your actual cycle.  I was 5 days into my cycle and still in a lot of pain.  It felt like it has felt so many times over the past year, like fluid is stuck in a duct and NEEDS to come out!  The Radiologist had been strict instructions not to do this so I massaged the area(also where the lump is) and I noticed some dark rust colored fluid coming from my nipple.  Ok, now I am afraid.  I know what this means.  It does not mean that I have cancer but it is another symptom in the "very suspicious" column.  I called the surgeon's office immediately.  The nurse was busy and would have to call me back.  I laid there miserable, crying in pain, for two hours!  She finally called me back hours later and asked me a lot of questions, encouraging me to use ice and wear a sports bra.  She said she would talk to the surgeon and get back to me tomorrow.  I woke up in pain again.   The nurse called and said the Dr. would not be performing the surgery any sooner.  The idea that I would be in this kind of pain for a whole month was insane.  The nurse offered me a prescription pain pill but I declined.   Those will just cause me to have other side effects, besides I don't even like to take Advil.   I have figured out if I want to continue on with my life I have to take the OTC pain pills.  I run and know I will hurt.  Sometimes I think it is better and then there it is again.  I am sick of this but I will NOT be sidelined for the whole month.  I keep telling myself what others have told me, "Cancer does not hurt, the pain is a good thing, Embrace it!"