My Wait is Over

    Today is the day!  I'm a little nervous and frustrated that I can't eat or drink anything thing until like 5:00 tonight.  My surgery isn't until late after noon.  Coffee....I need you!  My stomach is already bothering me and I suspect I'll be "urping" all day, which is quite embarrassing.  Finally, we are going to get some answers!  I just want to understand what is going on within my body.  Why am I in sooo much pain?  What is this lump?  Why does it feel like fluid is trapped there?  And yes, do I have cancer?  But just an answer to the cancer question will not satisfy me.  I want explanations! I go in for surgery prep at 11:00, have wire placement(oouch!) at 1:30 and surgery at 2:30.  Surgery will take about an hour and about 45 min. for me to wake up.  Will I want to eat?  Will I be nauseous? I've never done this before and just don't know.  I'm not alone!  God has been and will be with me all the way.  So will my amazing husband.  He's afraid but I asked him to be brave for me today.  I need him to calm me if needed and distract me.  I love my life, my family and friends and hope that in a few days this really will all be over.

I will Wait.

I will Wait on the Lord.
I will Hope in the Lord.
I will Trust in the Lord.
And He will Renew my strength! 
I will remember that in the waiting He is preparing me for His ultimate Purpose for my life~!

Thanksgiving

It turned out to be soooo cold on Thanksgiving and I was pretty miserable about it.  I awoke with that ache in my arm pit and bicep again knowing that I could not take any Hydrocodone because I would be driving to see my husband's extended family and I was out of Tylenol.  There were carrots to cook, stuffing to prep, pineapple to chop, and both myself and Tristan to get ready.  My husband was offered a sweet deal if he would work on Thanksgiving and we needed the cash for Christmas so took it.  He told me that I didn't have to drive out to his grandmother's (about 30 minutes away in a little rural town). but this being Wayne's mom I knew it would please him in heaven to see me make the effort.   I also knew despite the general lack of "Traditional Thanksgiving" stuff that occurs at this family's events Tristan needs some sense of extended family.  I woke up kind of late for me and though there was still plenty of time to do the cooking, prepping, and getting ready, there was much less time available for waking up slowly over my coffee. I got a call about a hour before I was supposed to be there wondering if I was almost there, and informing me that everyone else was there and ready to eat.  I was a little frustrated and in a lot of pain.  Finally, I had the food, Tristan and I in the car.  I am panicking a little because I've only driven this route once and this house is in the sticks on an actual Dairy Farm.  It was my son who chilled me out by saying, "Mom! Please stop rushing us!  I apologized to him and agreed to let it go.  I got there only 5 minutes past the time it was supposed to start. and everyone was very done eating.  They said, "I guess you shouldn't have even brought anything."  Imagine silent screaming.  I did my best to be social despite constantly being questioned about why I was or was not eating a certain thing.  Truthfully, most of that food, I don't like.  There was not one green vegetable or non sugar coated veggie on the table.  And I wonder why my father-in-law never ate fruits or veggies.  I made it through the loud rough housing and the racial prejudices and headed home.  That evening I attempted to create a special Thanksgiving meal for my own family.  We sat at the table, enjoyed good healthy and less healthy food :), and talked the entire time about stuff we were thankful for, happy about, mad about, and wanted for ourselves. My family does Not have a problem communicating our feelings about anything!  I am quite proud of that.  I desperately want us to really know each other, and hopefully these habits will carry us through the years of "difficult" discussions and disagreements that will arise.  My husband became more and more somber and sad as the night went on which I took quite personally having worked sooooo hard to make everyone else happy that day.  He was missing his dad, his big family get together's on his mom's side of the family (that normally take place), and his grandmother.  His grandmother died this year and his dad died three years ago.  The holidays just seem lost to him.  The families used to gather together to see their mother(his grandmother) and now that she is gone they are choosing more to stay with their own families(children and grandchildren) and avoid the traveling.  I didn't know what to do to cheer him up and he was still moody when I woke up at 2:30am to go Black Friday shopping.  I love this man.  He loves me.  When either of us is out of sorts the other is as well.  We've always been that way.  We are as connected as two individuals can be.  Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Academically, etc.    He got better though and we had some good family time that afternoon and evening.  After our son was in bed I decided to take a bath due to some very sore breasts, arms, and underarms, in hopes of relaxing.  When I got out he had all the lights off in the living room except the Christmas lights on the garland resting on the mantle, a big candle, and a roaring fire.  He had made us some drinks and we settled in for duel foot massages and a movie.  I love my Man.

Drugs

Ok. I have to preface this post by stating how much I hate prescription medication in general.  I know that it all causes side effects, some seen, some unseen.  I pretty much avoid them at all costs.  However, I also know that medicine has it's purpose and place.  For most situations, I do not believe in life long prescriptions.  I know that most of those prescriptions would no longer be needed if the individual made a real long term commitment to nutrition and overall health.  I know this because I have seen countless numbers of individuals come off of their meds for high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes etc.
     I woke up yesterday in severe pain again in my arm pit radiating to my bicep and to my breast.  The pain had been so bad the night before I had not been able to sleep and laid in bed for hours hurting.  The Tylenol was not touching this pain at all.  At 8:09 a.m. I broke down and called the surgeons office for advice and to make sure this new pain location didn't signify something more serious.  They were not open yet so I left a message.  I took my last Tylenol around 10:30a.m.  still in agony.  Finally, I decided laying around hurting wasn't helping anything.  At 1:30, I finally called again.  I had to leave another message.  At 2:15 the surgeon's nurse returned my call.  She listened to about half of my description of the pain and the past few days before saying the Dr. wanted me to go ahead and get some pain pills.  No, solution.  No examination.  No comfort that this is ok, and it is safe to just ignore your body's screams and continue to pop pills for another week.  I told her that this breast pain is changing my life.  She was kind but ultimately offered me no comfort other than the kind that can come in the form of pain relief.  They called me in some Hydrocodone despite the fact that I had told them that med me feel like I was stoned and I thought I was allergic to it.  The pharmacist said that is a normal side effect.  Great....I get to be a stoned mamma who can't be driving but the pain will be better.  This is why I don't like meds.  It never just solves the problem, it always causes another as well.  So...I took the pills.  I felt so guilty about it.  Like I am cheating on my principles.  I knew that I had to have some relief if I was going to watch Tristan and have any kind of Thanksgiving.  I could have canceled the Holiday myself but my little boy needs some tradition and to see life going on as usual.  The pills make me feel like I have had several adult beverages minus the aphrodisiac and giggles.  I can't drive while taking them either so I am pretty limited if I want relief.  My husband is working all day Thanksgiving.  So....I  will do my best.

5 year olds!

While waiting...... I have hosted a number of long in house play dates for my 5 year old son and his friends.  Those tend to be quite distracting!  One Sunday afternoon I had two 5 year old boys and one 3 year old boy.  Another day I had  my son and a 9 year old neighbor for most of the day.  Today, I have my son and his dear friend Elise. She's also 5 years old, they were born the same week.  Her mom and I worked together at an Animal Hospital before they were born so we were pregnant at the same time.  We've done play dates with them since they were in our bellies.   Making Christmas cookies with 5 year old's is an all day affair.  It is also a HUGE mess.....but totally worth it!  We only have one child and know that it is important that he have lots of good friends in order to be well socialized.  I think we're doing pretty well so far :)

Stuff I know

I know that God has a plan for my life. Plans for a hope and a future!
I know that God has always been with me, even in my darkest moments, and He is with me now.
I know that the man I love will love me no matter what a pathologist says!
I know that God will not put more on my plate than I can manage through Him!
I know that my son loves me no matter what.
I know that who I am is not defined by my outward appearance. (This one I only know 50% of the time)
I know that I am loved by my family and friends who will continue to love me no matter the results.
I know that there is an Angel(my father-in law Wayne) with me and watching over me who has been through a battle far worse.
I know that I am strong, stubborn, and knowledgeable. 
I know my body better than anyone else!
I know that there are lessons to be learned through this journey and if I remain open to what God can teach me I WILL be "more" than I was when this all began.

The Constant Reminder

It's funny.  Just about the time I get engrossed in something immediate or distracted by a specific thing my constant reminder drags me back to fear.  My constant reminder is my pain.  I'll be having a great day, enjoying my son, and the beauty of life and all of the sudden the ache in my breast begins. In a few minutes the ache progresses into sharp pain and a fullness feeling causing pressure.  There are mornings that I have woken up with the pain and days that it does not show up until the end of the day.  This morning I woke up and did not feel the pain initially but after getting up and getting going it began.  Within about 10-15 minutes of being awake my armpit was aching terribly.  I told my husband I feel like I have done 50 butterfly"s on one arm.  It really hurts. After about 20-30 minutes that ache started spreading to my breast.  The outer left side.  Same side as calcifications, lump, and biopsy.  The sharp pain to the nipple and extreme pressure stayed away(Thank Goodness!) but the ache was intense.  The ache IS intense.  I took some more rapid release Tylenol and felt some relief soon but the worry.  The strong sense of my body is sending me signals that I can't read exactly is driving me crazy!  The not knowing is hard but is even harder with my constant reminder.  Every time I begin to focus on the now and forget it all for a moment, the pain returns to bring me back to reality.  The reality of not knowing.  The pain in the armpit concerns me because it has happened about a half dozen times since the biopsy but I had not noticed it prior to that at all.  I wondered if I should call the Dr. but I felt like they did not really take the pain conversations seriously thus far so why would this one be any different.  I know my surgery won't be moved up so I'll just wait and tell someone at the pre-op appointment on the 29th. I just hope... whatever they take out, whatever they figure out, it makes this reminder GO AWAY!

Stuff I've done while Waiting

1.Pray
2.Cry
3.Talk
4.Research (a Lot!)
5.Consult the Forums
6.Hug my son a little closer
7.Tear up while kissing my husband
8.Play computer games on the SuperHeroSquad(Marvelkids) website
9.Try Bok Choy(It is an anti-angiogenic food)
10.Fight with my sister
11.Contemplate Masectomy
12.Touch my breasts constantly
13.Feel like my sexuality is gone.  Feel diseased.
14.Dress like Iron Girl for Halloween
15. Put up Halloween, Put out Christmas
16.Run harder and longer than I ever have before!
17.Receive kindness from the most unsuspecting places.
18.Write and Write and Write
19.Appreciate my body.
20. Worry people think I am trying to get attention when I'm trying to cope.

Fear and Pain

About a week after seeing the surgeon I began experiencing severe pain and pressure in the same area on my left breast.  The bruising was gone and I was almost 3 weeks post biopsy but the pain was almost unbearable.  The first few days I decided that it was due to PMS.  So, I did a little research and most hormone associated breast pain is supposed to subside a few days into your actual cycle.  I was 5 days into my cycle and still in a lot of pain.  It felt like it has felt so many times over the past year, like fluid is stuck in a duct and NEEDS to come out!  The Radiologist had been strict instructions not to do this so I massaged the area(also where the lump is) and I noticed some dark rust colored fluid coming from my nipple.  Ok, now I am afraid.  I know what this means.  It does not mean that I have cancer but it is another symptom in the "very suspicious" column.  I called the surgeon's office immediately.  The nurse was busy and would have to call me back.  I laid there miserable, crying in pain, for two hours!  She finally called me back hours later and asked me a lot of questions, encouraging me to use ice and wear a sports bra.  She said she would talk to the surgeon and get back to me tomorrow.  I woke up in pain again.   The nurse called and said the Dr. would not be performing the surgery any sooner.  The idea that I would be in this kind of pain for a whole month was insane.  The nurse offered me a prescription pain pill but I declined.   Those will just cause me to have other side effects, besides I don't even like to take Advil.   I have figured out if I want to continue on with my life I have to take the OTC pain pills.  I run and know I will hurt.  Sometimes I think it is better and then there it is again.  I am sick of this but I will NOT be sidelined for the whole month.  I keep telling myself what others have told me, "Cancer does not hurt, the pain is a good thing, Embrace it!"

Christmas in November!

Right now I need distractions.  All kinds of distractions.  Movies, books, games, church, friends, exercise, good food, and Christmas!  It's only mid-November but Christmas has descended on my house.  Despite it being surrounded by my least favorite kind of weather Christmas is one of my favorite holidays!  I love the music, the lights, the present wrapping, etc.  I know I am early but that's ok.  My idea is to come home from the hospital post surgery to a house full of Holiday spirit.  It will make me happy and hopefully at peace while I wait for the results.

The Wait for The Date

So.... I waited.  I researched.  I read countless papers published in medical journals and books about ALH(atypical lobular hyperplasia).  The information was so conflicting it caused me to want even more to dig and discover what actually was going on within me and if there really is a chance I could have cancer? I prayed. I cried. I read scripture. I waited.  All day Monday my cell phone was glued to my hand.  Nothing.  They had said it might be Tuesday though.  So, all day Tuesday my cell phone was glued to my hand. Nothing.  We sit down to eat dinner at about 7:15p.m. and my phone is charging in the bedroom.  I hear Katy Perry singing(California Girls is my ringtone) but I know it's not the Dr.'s office this late so I don't answer it.  My husband is curious so he gets up from the table to see who called.  They left a message!  It was the freaking Dr.'s office at 7:15p.m.!!!!!  I listen to the message and she says, "Hi, this is Marilyn, Dr. Chow's nurse and I am calling to let you know we have you scheduled for surgery.  I will be out of the office the rest of the week but you can ask for Bernadette and she can give you the information as well.  Have a good night!"  What!!!!!!!!!  Are you kidding me!!!!!!!  She couldn't have just given me a date on the message. Or called a little earlier!  I called the next day at 8:00a.m., they weren't open yet.  I called back at 8:40a.m. and found out from Bernadette(who I think just read some notes off the computer) that my surgery was scheduled for November 30 and I should be receiving some information pertaining to it in the mail.  WoW!!!! That was a month away!  How am I going to survive a month of this Waiting and wondering and worrying and analyzing?

The Surgeon

          My surgeon's office is located in the same building as the diagnostic center(turns out the whole building is a Breast Center adjacent to a hospital).  The appointment turned out to be on my husband's day off, thank goodness!  We had a very early appointment and while waiting in the lobby that same feeling of being spotlighted came over me.  No one coming through was anywhere near my age or physical health.  I was nervous but trying to be light hearted and focused on the science.  I am a science major ( Nutrition) so a clinical approach makes this whole thing a little easier sometimes.  The funny thing is that despite my best efforts my gut normally exposes the truth.  I have a stomach condition called IBS ( Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  I developed it around 19 and have worked crazy hard over the past 11 years to manage it without going on any prescription medication.  I changed my eating habits, learned more about managing stress, and discovered coping skills.  One additional side effect of this stress related condition has been some acid reflux.  If I get stressed out or my stomach is too empty, I "urp".  My co-workers nicknamed the noise that many years ago because it is not quite a burp but everyone asks if I'm going to throw up.  Well, despite my attempts at a brave face I'm waiting in the lobby and "urping" every 15 sec.  I start doing some deep breathing hoping to calm down before seeing the dr.  They call me back and want to weigh me.  Damn!  I hate being weighed by strangers!
              We finally get to see the surgeon after the nurse goes through my personal and family medical history obviously clueless about what my chart actually says.  She is one of only two surgeons in the center to have completed a fellowship in surgical oncology. Points in my book!  She is not ancient and she seems in good physical health!  Also big points!  I believe those in the health care profession should be examples of health and wellness as they know more about it than most people!!!! Duh!!!!!!
She was great.  She explained exactly what ALH was and what that means for me.  She said" Right now this is your diagnosis"  I had not really thought of it like that until she used those words.  It means that I am 3to4 times more likely to get breast cancer than the average woman.  It means that both breasts are probably affected and therefore at risk.  It means more aggressive screening and possible hormonal therapy medication to help prevent breast cancer.  She asked lots of questions about my family member's diagnosis and genetic testing.  Unfortunately, I did not have all those answers. She and I have had a strained relationship over the years and I only know the basics.  The surgeon said she wanted me to get tested for the BRCA1 and 2 genes and we would need my relative's specific information in order to get approval for the test.  She did an exam of my breasts and commented on how bruised I still was from the stereotactic.  She also said she felt a lump but because it was on the same side as the biopsy was done and she had never examined me before she could not be sure it wasn't just a hematoma.  She agreed with the Radiologist that I needed an excisional biopsy to be sure that cancer was not hiding nearby.  She seemed positive though.  She mentioned my dense breast tissue and the possibility of this all being related to fibrocystic (hormonal) changes within my breast.  We thought we would be scheduling the surgery that day and we were told, "The Dr. normally does all that on the weekend and then gives it to her nurse to call people on Mon. or Tues.".  Seriously!!!! I want this impending doom OVER!!!!!  So.....I wait.

Hitting the Road!

Before all this "stuff" started I had begun training for my first 10k.  I walk my 5 year old the mile to school everyday so slowly I began to jog it home.  Finally, after about 3-4 weeks of walk/jogging I was running 1 mile solidly without stopping.  I had just begun increasing my distances to closer to 2 miles at a time when someone shoved a machine gun with a needle in it down my breast!  This made me mad.  Perhaps, some breasts would not be quite so affected, but my 36D VERY DENSE breasts definitely were.   I refused to allow this nonsense to control my life and destroy my hard work.  I walked the day after the procedure and was back to running 6 days after.  It hurt like hell but that's what ice and OTC pain meds are for, right?  My body is a temple, a vessel, and a reflection of my character, knowledge, and self-control.  I can only control some things......I know.  When my lungs and quads are screaming I remember that my mind is in control.  My brain (and will) is powering my muscles to move forward.  I repeat in my head, "I Beat my Body, I make it My Slave!" 

The Results

    I decided to prepare myself for results by spending some much needed time with my best friend.  We went to breakfast Mon. and talked it all out.  She had done some research and I of course had done entirely too much research.  She said something that has stuck with me.  She said, "I am not worried about you being able to battle or fight a disease like cancer.  You are strong, healthy, fit, and you know a lot about this stuff.  What I am worried about is your Pyschological strength and your self-esteem."  Her comments were so dead on it made me cry.  It is odd at times how few people really know me.....to the core.  Towards the end of breakfast I got the call.  The Radiologist said my microcalcifications that were taken were benign but they discovered some cells that were diagnosed as Atypical Lobular Hyperplasia.  That means that the cells were "odd looking" compared to normal healthy cells and they were reproducing too fast.  There were too many of them in one area.  This can sometimes be a sign that nearby there are pre-cancerous or cancerous cells.  So he said, "In order to make sure this isn't the tip of the iceburg" you need to have an excisional surgical biopsy.  Do you have a breast surgeon?"  He then began to give me names of surgeons who are well respected and I told him I had an appointment scheduled in three weeks.  That seemed like an eternity to me but he seemed to think that was pretty fast.  I hashed out the results with my friend. Made the calls to my husband, my mom and little sister.  My little sister suggested I call the surgeon and request an earlier appt. based on the new pathology report.  I did exactly that and got in in two days. I never thought I would be so excited to get to see the Breast Surgeon sooner. 

Stereotactic Biopsy and another Pink Wrap shirt!

My Stereotactic Biopsy is done only two days after my diagnostic mammogram, so less waiting there.  The biopsy is a lot like a Core Needle Biopsy but more high-tech.  There is a long table in the room with a hole in the middle of it.  Underneath the table is a mammogram machine.  The idea is for the mammogram images to assist the Radiologist in finding the area of concern within the breast.  My husband took off work to be with me and I was so glad.  Again I noticed that I was the youngest one in the lobby and felt like a spotlight was over my head.  I was escorted to the little locker where another pink wrap shirt was given to me along with a plastic bag for my belongings.  I put on the shirt, gathered up my stuff and walked into the interior lobby area.  I had requested that my husband be able to be with me but as I looked around at the other women in their pink wrap shirts ( some not so wrapped) I quickly realized that might not be a possibility.  When my name was called it was the same technician who had done my mammogram and she escorted me to the room.  Once in the room I said, "Can my husband come in here with me?"  She looked shocked at the request and replied by saying, "No, we don't do that. There's no reason for him to come in here!  We don't know anything yet!"  I told her in my calmest voice, "The reason would be for moral support." She said that was not possible, it could distract the Dr.  I understood.  I told her that I did want my husband to be able to view my mammogram/ultrasound images.  She said she would ask about that.  As soon as I was in position(breast in hole, breast in vice, facing right(looking at a blank wall), remembering to breathe, the Radiologist came in.  He told the tech he needed a 14, 16, 22(or some number combo) which I later learned were probably depths being programmed into the machine/gun.  He told me I would feel a sting and hear a loud noise but there would be no more pain after that.  He LIED!!!!!  I felt the sting and the pressure and sharp shooting pain towards my nipple.  It was pretty bad but it would get much worse.  They took 3 samples(I think) and then they placed a titanium chip in my breast so the area could be found easily on a mammogram(if I needed additional surgery).  He told me that they were able to get some solid microcalcifications for testing and I would probably know the results by Mon.(it was Thurs.)  I had to lay there for awhile letting the tech ice me and apply the steri-strips.  We still had to take more images to make sure the chip was in the right place.  That mammogram hurt!  After the tech was satisfied with the images I got to get dressed.   We paid a $20.00 copay for a $3850.00 procedure and left with a circular ice pack in my bra and instructions to get Tylenol if needed.  Within 30 minutes the pain went from a 4 to an 8 and I was crying in the car.  Sharp shooting pain going towards the direction of my nipple that seemed to never stop!  My husband got some quick release OTC pain medication and within about 15 minutes the pain was a 6 or 7.  For the next 3 days the pain was constant but at varying intensities. I would be black and blue and green for 2-3 weeks with intermittent pain, some really bad, some just achy.

My First Mammogram

Three weeks later I was having my very first mammogram.  It was a diagnostic mammogram and having never done this before did not know what to expect.  The little wrap around shirts were interesting. I found it cliche that they were pink but they served their purpose.  I waited for my name to be called and went in.  The room was fairly dark but I remember thinking how glad I was to not be particularly modest.  I removed my pink wrap shirt and began the medical mammo version of twister.  I kept imagining a 76 year old woman weighing 250lbs being asked to bend and twist while holding her own breast and breath as well.  That scenario seems impossible and  I was thankful for my various years doing yoga.  The tech emailed the images to the radiologist while I waited in the little interior lobby again.  Carrying my clothes and jewelry around in a plastic bag, wearing my little wrap shirt, it all felt odd.  I looked around the room and I was the youngest there, then again I had done that earlier when I first signed in and noticed the same thing.  I felt the other women there were all looking at me strangely wondering what someone so young and healthy looking was doing there.  The tech came back out and called my name again.  So I picked up my plastic bag and my purse and marched myself and my pink wrap shirt back into the mammo room.  She said we needed to take some more pictures and began describing the various poses I would be getting into.  There was an LCD flat screen TV on the wall to the right of me showing my breast image.  I had noticed it before wondering what was what exactly on the image.  This time I saw a small circle in one area of my left breast on the image.  It was a computer generated image and it became clear that we were “zooming in” on a certain suspicious spot.  At this point I am topless, with my breast in a vice, body turned one direction, feet turned another, one  arm up above my head resting on the machine, and one hand holding the other breast out of the way.  It was at this point, my chin began to quiver.  My lip and chin do that when I am really emotional and generally about to cry.  I held my breath as instructed and started reciting verses in my head.  “I know the plans I have for you, plans for a hope and a future……, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”, etc.  I also began to think of my Father-in-law who was a huge influence in my life and who battled colon cancer for 5 years.  He went through 3 surgeries and 3 separate rounds of chemo, so he was poked and prodded for a long time.  I thought of him, and how much I loved him and how brave he was through it all.  I determined that this was nothing compared to all he went through and told myself to breathe.  The mammo tech tells me to get my things and wait in the little lobby again.  I walk back to the little room again with my plastic bag of belongings and my purse, this time a little freaked out and feeling very alone.  I waited patiently and the next thing I know a different individual is asking me to follow her telling me that the Radiologist wants to do an ultrasound today.  I get to the room, take off my pink wrap shirt and within moments he is there with the super cold jelly.  He asked me about the discharge quickly dismissing it as a normal hormonal occurrence and stated emphatically not to force fluid to come out ever!  It could cause major problems in the ducts.  I asked about breast pain and again he dismissed this as a normal hormonal occurrence and said 9 out of 10 women complain of breast pain and there is nothing wrong.  He then began to ask about my family history associated with breast/women’s health.  I told him that I had a great aunt that died of breast cancer, a grandmother who died of ovarian cancer, and I have a first degree relative has been growing tumors in her breast since she was a teenager.  I told him that she has had multiple surgeries to either remove or biopsy these masses and they have found some precancerous cells.  I also told him that she was a part of a special program at MD Anderson for the purpose of prevention of breast cancer and that she had been tested for the Breast Cancer gene and was positive.  Well, at this point I think he woke up from his nap.  His eyes bugged out of his head and he said “Do you mean the BRCA gene test?  She is positive?” I told him yes.  He asked if anyone one else in my family had been tested and I said no.  He then decided to go take a closer look at my films.  I found it interesting how “normal” my symptoms were until I mentioned my family member's genetic testing and then all of the sudden he is focused and intense.  He came back in and waved the wand around a lot in one spot, which made me nervous.  But then said to get dressed and come out when I was done.  I thought that meant clothes the assistant informed me that he meant just for me to close up my shirt and come out.  Darn.  I went out and looked at the films with him.  He explained that I had a cluster of micro calcifications in my left breast and because he could not be 100% sure that they were not due to cancer a biopsy would be ordered.  He also said not to fill the birth control script and to make sure no matter what the biopsy said that I start getting mammos regularly and seeing the Breast Surgeon once a year.  So, I  scheduled my stereotactic biopsy for two days later.  It was not the best first experience with the whole  mammogram thing but I guess I am glad I did it.   

My Body and it's Weirdnesses

            I have always had a sensitive spirit which I believe has translated to a sensitive body as well.  When I was little I had an enlarged tonsil and was sick a lot.  In middle school I got bronchitis often and one time it developed into pneumonia.  When I got my period at 12 my cramps were immobilizing.  When I was 19, I developed a stomach condition associated with stress called Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  At 24, I knew that I was pregnant before I was able to take a test due to the way my body felt.  I have always been fairly in tune with my body and having a child only increased that tendency.  I fought through 15 hours of hard labor at home with no pain medication feeling every change taking place within me.  I become nauseous when I ovulate, and over the past year my body has been telling me that something is NOT right.  I've been experiencing flu like symptoms 5-10 days prior to beginning my monthly period.  Low grade fever, extreme fatigue, muscle ache, horrible breast pain, etc. all every month and then I get to be on my period for 7 days!  It was in part due to these symptoms that I finally found a gyno after 5 yrs post baby.  In addition to the extreme breast pain during my pms week I had also been having a sensation of pain or swelling for over a year intermittently throughout the month.  During these occasions my breasts would feel like there was fluid blocked in my breast that needed to be released.  So, I  consulted the Gyno.  She manually expressed fluid and did a physical exam of my breasts on two different visit’s a couple of months apart.  She then told me that she thought I had a condition called duct ectasia which was a condition that caused fluid to get backed up in the ducts.  She said that this was not her specialty and she would refer me to a Breast Surgeon, apparently they are the specialists.  She also said that she believes I fall into a very small category of women that are Highly sensitive to the drop in progesterone that occurs in the second half of the monthly cycle.  This is why I have been having all the flu like symptoms.  Her solution: “Get rid of my periods” .  Now, I have not been on any birth control in 9 years and really like it that way, so this suggestion made me nervous.  However, I have been miserable and ill for two weeks every month which does not work with my active lifestyle.  So she wrote a script for birth control and I went home and started researching and thinking about my options. 
        

I'm 30 yrs. old & Just getting to the Good Stuff!

        I’m 30 years old.  Everyone seemed to think turning 30 would be traumatic some how but it was not.  The belief that age is just a number has always been deeply rooted in my core.  I despise those women who are sooooo embarrassed by their age.  They avoid their birthday and act like the number itself is some giant unknown mystery.  Absolute Ridiculousness!  Having worked in a variety of fields requiring women to be somewhat exposed and vulnerable(weight loss and high-end swimwear) I have seen it all.  I have seen 53 year old women who run marathons and have an unparalleled zeal for life.  I have also seen 25 year old women who barely move (except to find food and the remote) and hide from life avoiding any real  experiences or relationships.  Women at any age can be HOT and happy if they take proper care of themselves and pay a little attention to their style.  These positive examples of women are what made me unafraid to turn 30.  I am young.  I am healthy and strong.  I am highly focused on nutrition and overall health.  I am in love and blessed to be the mother of a wonderful little boy.  I know what I want to achieve in life, though the process to fulfilling it has been long and difficult.  Some would say I am just getting to the good stuff!  At 30, I have a stronger sense of who I am, what I believe, and what makes me happy.  I am a better wife and lover, a better mother, a better citizen, a better friend.  My husband has a great new job and is solidly on his path to success professionally and I am focused on returning to school to finish up my degree.  Life is Good.  So, how does it make sense that I am about to have a surgical biopsy to determine whether or not I have breast cancer.